Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
you could not pay me to delete this app
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Bringing back this classic
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Terribly Tuesday.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”