Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious