Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.