Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

This is Sparta

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days