Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
peak technology
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me