Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego