Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

This kid will have a bright future.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree