Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

How about I get 100% off by already being there

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

I’m not lazy

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

That 👊

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day