Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t