Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
This story is comedy gold 😂
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…