Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
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[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?