Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
zone out
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk