Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Orange cat behavior 😂

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.