Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Spoiler Alert: I was late

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that