Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

😂🐈‍⬛

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.