Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
How it started: How it’s going:
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL