Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.