Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
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Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I think this should do it.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos