Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…