Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
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Yes, this is exactly right
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Thursday
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.