Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
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I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
buys donuts instead
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.