Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

The best plant holders?

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.