Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

When your parents check you’re ok.

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Nooooooooo!!!
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