ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence