ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
How it started How it’s going
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Skills
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?