ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt