Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

😉😝

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*