Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

This will teach them to underestimate me

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?