First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.