@daddydoubts

Me: what was your best day ever?

3yo: today!

Me: awww awesome. And what was your worst day ever?

3yo: today.

Me: but I thought today was your best day ever.

3yo: that was before you started asking so many questions.

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@AlyssaDiSalle

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

@PaulyPeligroso

If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you’re taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure

@noogscorner

Pick something up. You just applied more force on that object than the gravity of an entire planet. Earth, do you even lift?

@Browtweaten

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

@forcemajeure40

Apparently when I’m at Olive Garden I’m family.

So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.

@thenatewolf

EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.

*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*

EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!

@TheThomason

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

@KalvinMacleod

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?