I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could’ve napped and didn’t.
Me: what was your best day ever?
Me: awww awesome. And what was your worst day ever?
Me: but I thought today was your best day ever.
3yo: that was before you started asking so many questions.
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what if all the random coins you find around your house are from insects paying you rent ??
My fortune cookie read “End of roll. Replace”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842