@daddydoubts

Me: what was your best day ever?

3yo: today!

Me: awww awesome. And what was your worst day ever?

3yo: today.

Me: but I thought today was your best day ever.

3yo: that was before you started asking so many questions.

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@MauriceBlitz

I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could’ve napped and didn’t.

@ziiethwala

what if all the random coins you find around your house are from insects paying you rent ??

@Social_Mime

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

@squirrel74wkgn

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

@Brampersandon_

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

@3sunzzz

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

@Tommytoughstuff

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

@TheHyyyype

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842