Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
You Might Also Like
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Breaking news:
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat