Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.