Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
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If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.
The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:
The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.
Me: OK