Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I’m sorry…what?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
It will always be this
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
