Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins