Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
![]()
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af