Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible