Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*