Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.