Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
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Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE