Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
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What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
He has no idea 🤡
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Meme Monday.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car