ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

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If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?


“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.


Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.


A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.


Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.


Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do


A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.


I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao


[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale


Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up