Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

The news in a nutshell.

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

never deleting this app.

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry