Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”