Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
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Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
WTF
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
best review i’ve ever seen
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”