Me: What!? You’re supposed to kick it when you drop it.
Her: Don’t ever come near my baby again
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“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
We made a comic about a space heater.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
