Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.