If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that