@2sassymom

Me: Whatcha doin?
7: a stupid math paper
Me: why stupid?
7: Sally has 3,000 pennies; really Sally? Get a debit card!

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@potch

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

@caithuls

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

@Mr_Kapowski

Fun Prank: If someone leaves their car windows cracked cause it’s hot outside, start slipping unwrapped Kraft Singles in their car

@BackrowSeats

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.

@david8hughes

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

@roxiqt

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

@WilliamRodgers

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

@wilco30

”Your call is important to us……please enjoy this 40 minute long flute solo”

@ellorysmith

if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”