Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*