Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

Travel bloggers during quarantine

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.