Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Ghost costume 😂

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.