Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man