Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.


When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.


TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family


just remember before you let yourself get riled up over The Grammys.. Who Let The Dogs Out won a grammy


Me: I’m gonna shower.
Him: Pics or it didn’t happen.

*takes pic of hair in drain


I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me


all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot


diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.


how to be a yogi

1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets


one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom