@UncleDuke1969

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

You Might Also Like

@rcromwell4

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

@PopSlapFunk

When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.

@notacroc

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

@DrewsThatDude

just remember before you let yourself get riled up over The Grammys.. Who Let The Dogs Out won a grammy

@Twtercide

Me: I’m gonna shower.
Him: Pics or it didn’t happen.

*takes pic of hair in drain

@ThisLocalHater

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

@PaperWash

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

@Kauaibride

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

@drankturpentine

how to be a yogi

1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets

@LlamaInaTux

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom