Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

some things should go without saying

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.