Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
yes… yes…
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.