Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”