Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
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The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
This bar smells like my childhood.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…