Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

Straight people are cancelled

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

Green is just blue that someone peed in

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills