@shkeeber

Me: Whatcha making?

Mom: Dill bread.

Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?

Mom: Get out.

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@Elizasoul80

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

@Marlebean

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

@LlamaInaTux

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

@jellybnbonanza

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

@TheBoydP

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

@bingowings14

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

@AimByWhiskey

Her: Your c**k is small
Me: An RV is big until you park it in the Grand Canyon.

@MavenofHonor

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

@MacAnnabella

The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.