I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
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I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
In banana years, I am bread.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause