Me: Whatcha making?

Mom: Dill bread.

Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?

Mom: Get out.

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Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.


Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.



My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc


“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.


I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy


If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.


Her: Your c**k is small
Me: An RV is big until you park it in the Grand Canyon.


Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies


The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.