Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
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I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Matthew was born for this.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
🛁
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
tag yourself
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*