Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
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[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
*lint rolls you awake*
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year