me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Breaking news:
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I think we should hear other voices.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”