Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.