me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
dril cadence
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am