Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

Wednesday

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

Everything reminds me of my ex

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.