Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
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A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
That’s not how days work.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.