Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

I get distracted pretty eas

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say