Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time