Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo