Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

Why soy sad?

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

good work, everybody

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.