Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

79.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.