Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1641757933661745152/pu/vid/608x1080/p2SSvCfGPkDHmCfH.mp4?tag=12

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

“How’s your day going?”

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

I am a gravy boat captain

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.