Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.